This week a bit
on the lighthearted side. I could not help myself, laughing out loud when
I received the following from another regular 'jokes' reader from Pinetown,
right here in sunny South Africa. Ivan Vicente calls the following 'Mind
Control', which is a piece he wrote whilst living in Fourways Johannesburg.
It reminded me more of the paranoia we live with in Jo'burg and surrounding
areas. Enjoy -
Mind Control:
The subconscious mental process of a South African on a typical trip to
the mall.
Preparing to leave home.
Ok let's get ready to go...
Car still outside? Yes, whew.
Are the windows closed? Gun loaded / mace / stungun ready? Door locked?
Security gate locked?
No-one waiting outside to Hi-jack me? No?
Good.
Switch remote car alarm off. Unlock car.
Heyyy... my radio is still here!
Lock car doors.
Unlock gear lock, disable immobiliser, hit remote for gate. Let's leave.
No-one at my gate to Hi-jack me? No?
Good.
Who's that in my rear view mirror?
screech!
EEK! Bloody taxis.
What are those guys doing by the robot (traffic light in SA)?
Hi-jackers?
Keep car in gear and foot on clutch as we wait for the light to change.
No, I don't want to buy those coat hangers / mangos / cellphone pouches
/ handy pack of 12 superglues / genuine stolen Raybans, is that a bloodstain?
Green.
GO!
Murder! Rape! Escaped Prisoners in the area... Turn off damn news on the
radio.
Pulling into the mall.
Where's the safest spot? That car guard looks ok.
Park.
Gear lock on? Immobiliser activated? Everything of value in my pockets?
Doors locked? Car alarm engaged? Maybe I should take the rotor out?
Whats this guy walking towards me want? Hmmm...
Entering the mall, last glance at car, hope that's not my LAST glance
at it.
Ok we are here. Hope no gun toting gangs decide to hit the mall today
or at least while I'm here.
Damn gotta do banking, oh well. Hmm this bank was robbed again last week
hope they don't come back, at least not right now.
SHIT ! The cash in transit guys have just come in, all 3 heavily armed.
Cringe
Now I'm in the bloody bank in prime crime time.
Got money, OUT.
Made it.
BANG!!!
Mall becomes silent and a look of panic crosses over the shoppers at the
same time instantly realising "Just a kid with a balloon."
Try not to look as though I was reaching for my gun / mace / stun gun
etc.
Do shopping.
Back to car.
WHEW still there.
Careful glances around the carpark for potential Hi-jackers.
WHAT THE ... Who's that well dressed maniac whith a R4 (submachine gun)
stalking through the carpark? I presume he's mall security? Damn shopping
is heavy, gotta keep my gun / mace / stungun / carkeys / immobiliser /
remote hand free.
Glance around, glance around. Open door, jump as the alarm goes off.
No matter, no-one even passes a disinterested glance anymore.
Get in. Lock doors. Unlock gear lock, disable immobiliser.
Don't put the cellphone on the passenger seat or anything else I want
to keep.
Hmmm... why is that Police chopper circling the mall over and over? Is
that gunfire I hear?
Bugger it I'm outta here.
No-one at the robots to Hi-jack me?
Who's that in my rear view mirror?
Are my doors locked? Yes!
REAR VIEW MIRROR!
Swerve...
Yikes! Bloody bloody taxis.
Hope I wasn't broken into at home while I was away.
No-one hiding nearby as I pull up home? No? Good.
Park.
Gear lock on? Immobiliser activated? Alarm on? Doors locked? Maybe I should
take the rotor out?
Careful going inside in case I surprise burglars. Unlock the security
gate, unlock the door.
Whew everything is here. Lock the security gate, lock the door ...
Sound familiar anyone?
Sounds like this man
had some training - remembering to keep his defending hand free for the
gun / mace / stungun... or maybe that's just our regular mindset these
days. I am sure Ivan is not that paranoid down in Natal these days. Thanks
Ivan
I had a look at Ivans'
home page
and must say that this man is talented. Give him a visit and check out
his artwork - real African stuff! Even better, if you can afford it, support
the man and buy some artwork!
On a different note
- I'm off on holiday today. Visiting Avrils' area for two weeks, then
off to the 'mothercity' for another week. Time to relax on the Westcoast
and drink some wine. Needless to say, I won't be updating these pages
during this period as methinks we all need a bit of a break from politics.
To all of you out
there - Have a blessed Christmas, a happy new year, a rip-roaring birthday
and a safe Easter - now bugger off and leave me alone for the rest of
the year!
Back on the 9th.
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