19 July 2001Hospital Stories
Due to pressure from the home as well as work fronts, here's some more interesting facts and funny's typical to our country -
An Israeli doctor says: "medicine in my country is so advanced,we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says: "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor says: "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks".
The South African doctor, not to be outdone, said: "Hah, that's nothing. We are about to take an *sshole out of Soweto, put him in the Parliament and half the country will be looking for work the next day."
Actual entires on Mpumalanga (SA) hospital charts:
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night (what a night it must've been!).
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year (so would I Dear, so would I).
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared (damn, can the clinic be sued for loosing a knee?).
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed (they want me to shoot myself first?).
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993 (with that analysis, I would definitely change doctors).
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission (I thought the choice was mine?).
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful (if I could only remember what I was going to say?).
8. The patient refused autopsy (yeah, I'm not a training school nor a spares shop).
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides (I should bloody hope not!).
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital (could it be a white person who didn't want to be seen as being racist?).
11.Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days (I'm on this "How to become obese in three days" home-study course).
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch (how else will we get rid of that waffle?).
13. She is numb from her toes down (it's tough not being in touch with Mother Earth anymore).
14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home (we can't have that here!).
15. The skin was moist and dry (make up your mind would ya!).
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches (ditto).
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive (hey man, this is good stuff I'm smokin').
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid (you weren't gonna try and find that in my throat, were you?).
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce (some husbands are like that).
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy (who's patient is this now anyway?).
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation (depending on who's doing what will depend on how accomodating they can be).
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized (like the Elephant Man or better?).
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function (has anyone seen Mrs. Bobbit around?).
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead (bad choice I reckon).
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present (leaving white blood cells is one thing, now the skin as well?).
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor (yeah, I'm sure!).
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree (aah, the wonders of new knowledge).
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall (call security, quick!).
29.Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities (good for her).
Have a good day now!